We've heard that word at one point or another but what does it mean when you're talking about relationships - family, friendships, coworkers, and such?
Abuse can be very subtle or can be eminent yet either or can be destructive and is a mental issue from the source. It can be in the form of hitting, verbal (curse words, name calling, put downs, sexual insinuations, blackmail), or any type of behavior that causes another to become uncomfortable or in danger. It can be in the form of solely controlling money, unallowing you certain freedom that are your birth rights such as being with family and friends, going out, being able to choose what to wear. It can be threatening to harm people around you or your work/school environment. It can be mentally manipulating you into believing you're always wrong with guilt though the other person is at fault.
I grew up around abuse. My biological father used to hit me and beat me. He had a gambling problem and was an utterly frustrated man from his childhood; his father also abused him. Often times abuse comes in cycles that needed to be broken because it can become habitual through generations. I recall going to school and there would be welts on my back and the math teacher had to sit with me until police officers spoke to my father and then later had court orders issued to him for a social worker to visit me every so often as well as my parents having to serve a certain amount of hours of parenting classes. My mother was very hard on me, especially coming from a very traditional Filipino family, failure is never an option. Anything less than an honor roll student status in that household was not accepted. I was never allowed out of the home to play with the other kids or friends. I was never given the opportunity to experience an open childhood like everyone else. Much of what I felt was hidden, unexpressed, and deprived. My father was also abusive to my mother and my mother was very passive of the things that happened to me because of her fear that he would in turn resort to harming her. My life was difficult because my parents were so focused on perfection that they failed to see me as their daughter instead of a merit.
The question some of you may be asking is why did he get so angry towards you? I was the scapegoat of the family. I never talked back to my father until I was seventeen when one day I told him if he needed something, he needs to ask instead of demand everyone in the household of what to do all the time. I don't know what got into me that day but I said it and soon enough he started making noises downstairs and breaking things. He always broke things. My mother's favorite Italian ceramic fountain - he broke one day because she wouldn't give him money to gamble. Much of the abuse in the home was derived from my father and revolved around him. Because I would never be let out of the house, I used to make excuses that I was going to cheerleading practice to hang out at a friend's house because it was the only was I could be out even just an hour after school and even then he did not like it. I would get beat for it.
Thereafter, I became involved with my boyfriend in high school whom I was with for seven years and took his abuse as well. I gave up much of my life to set aside for whatever he wanted and needed and in return, he would always cheat on me, lie to me, leave bruises on my body, make excuses, and make me look like a bad person for not giving in to what he wanted. Whenever I would confront him of his behavior, he'd in turn try to turn the tables and try to accuse me of not being able to move forward and blame me for "acting immature" or "acting up." Although what he did not see was that I was not only older than him by age, I was wiser by the years knowing that I was more intelligent than him and a better person. My only stupidity was staying around with a person like that for so long. Signs of abuse in that relationship was that he was also able to be around whomever he pleased and expected me to be at home and without my friends. He made my life revolve around him without ever giving back to me. He would always defend his friends instead of me even when he knew they were wrong, he always found an excuse to disregard my feelings despite anything positive I brought into the relationship and my good intentions and efforts. Any money we had acquired together, he spent it by himself or with his friends. And again, like my father - he had in common with him the fact that his father abused him and abused his mother. Needless to say, that relationship no longer exists between us.
My point is that often when people get abused for so long, they in turn, get used to the behavior and become involved with more relationships that abuse them because it becomes a mental process that they believe they can endure, often even leading to the notion that they themselves can change the abuser. The abuser can only change themselves and never does the change happen over night.
For more information on abuse, visit the recommended websites:
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=8479&cn=2
http://www.domesticviolence.org/
http://www.ndvh.org/
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
Are you a victim of abuse? Please visit the following link or see a local community center for more information on how you can get aid. The link provides information for each state within the U.S. on how to get support for shelter, advice, protection, and all types of other assistance:
http://www.ncadv.org/resources/StateCoalitionList_73.html
IT HAPPENS EVERYWHERE. DON'T BE A STATISTIC.
For emergencies, visit a local police station for details on how to get a restraining order or help in order to avoid the abuser under extreme conditions or dial 911 at the scene of violence. Many times if you dial 911 and it is not an emergency situation such as verbal threats and arguements, they may disregard your phone call as it is not regarded an emergency situation unless there are insinuations to physically harm you. Check your local listings or http://www.yellowpages.com/ to see the listing of your local police station in the event of a non-emergency but need to notify them of a suspicious situation and advice on how to proceed.
Without help, domestic abuse will only increase in occurences and worsen as it is left without intervention from proper help. Seek immediate help from family, friends, neighbors, religious groups, and other sources to get what you need to distance yourself from an abusive situation. If anyone tells you or makes you believe otherwise, stop and go to the next source available. Sometimes, people will try to justify abuse by telling the victim that it is because the abuser has so much love and feeling for them that they react that way, it's because he has other issues that he has no control of how he acts, the abuser is only expressing his concern. All of this is untrue. A person who cares about someone else will never have them sacrifice a beneficial thing for themselves like time with family and friends, school, work, their religion, their usual practices unless any of these things cause a negative influence upon that person. Regardless, abuse is never an answer.
As the recession continues, issues of domestic violence and abuse are increasing due to financial issues, stress, struggling, and frustration. In cases like these, contact someone for help today. Death related to domestic abuse has gone up 33% according to statistics accumulated from 2008.
It is a known fact that abuse has been many times linked to suicide or suicidal tendencies. If you are experiencing any of this, please seek help through not only the provided links but a health care provider of mental health and a counselor.
According to the Department of Justice, women are more likely to be the victims of domestic abuse than men and are severly more injured or hurt during the activity of domestic violence. In New York, the health department reported 44% of women's deaths were caused by harm done by people who were close to them between 2003 and 2005. They also reported that 4,000 vists that year were patients going to hospitals because of domestic abuse by their significant others. Reports according to a census research also show that in September 2008, near 61,000 people were being served a day by outreach programs dedicated to domestic abuse. Many men who do hurt their significant others have been proven to also harm their children.
For more shocking reports, I found a good source of information to click on: http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art45047.asp
In California - A man kills himself, his wife, and five children because he and his wife had both lost their jobs.
Philippines - A man had a history of physical abuse towards his son and daughter who in result shot both of them eventually when he found out his wife was seeking custody of the children and leaving him.
In Pennsylvania - A man kills his wife, three year old son, and infant son by spreading gasoline all over the home and setting it ablaze. This activity stemmed from his violent history and behavior though his wife did not act upon it sooner.
In Austria - A man fathered eight children from his own daughter by locking her up in a dungeon for twenty four years. When she was finally released, she had a deteriorating illness.
In New Jersey - A woman moved away from Sacramento, California post divorce because of an abusive marriage to her husband. Her husband followed her to the state, found her in a church, shot her dead and two innocent bystanding church attenders.
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